I want to look back at this part of my life with a sort of fond exasperation. Strange to think that I'm plotting how I'm going to feel in the future when I'm living in the now. But I know that there's more to it than the drinks, the angst and all the shit we think we're in. I've never been particularly proactive. I don't know if I ever will be.

Let me lay it out for you. I work part time. I'm currently not studying. I still live with my parents and I'm 19. I have a girlfriend of two years who I love very much.

I regret a lot of things, but I suppose regret is wasted. Some days I want to open my head up, just pop the top on my skull, and absorb the world. Let it sift down on me and settle on the good old grey matter. Maybe then I'll understand my place in it all. But then they say that you have to make your way in the world, forge your own path. Again, I'm not proactive. Sadly enough as much as I would love to burn passionately with a lust for life no such flame has been ignited in me.

I put a lot of stock in love. In the feelings of the heart, romantic, platonic and all those in between. Unfortunately in this regard I lack forethought, as in most areas of my life. When you see a reflection of your own feelings in another person's eyes, does that seal you together? Don't get me wrong, I love the validation of my existence that comes with having a close bond with someone. I just wonder with all the things that could be considered 'ties', is it really best to place so much faith in them? I mean, we're all self-serving egotistical bastards at heart, aren't we? I know I am, and I'll admit it.

My ego is a real problem. I'd much rather be blind to my own faults rather than setting out to fix them.


'My heart goes boom
You indiscretion fills the room
Like a mistake'

- The Cliks - Love Gun